welcome

Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.

:)

I have loved this woman for a while now and on March 2nd, 2014, I had taken her to officially be mine. How blessed am I to have her entrust her faith in me. I am truly blessed that God has given me the experience to feel true love. 

She is my best friend. My coach. My girlfriend and my love. 

Love you Kirs. 

Late hour thinkin'

Six am "trappin" at the house was something I needed. Though it maybe morally and physically wrong, it was an escape from what has been going on lately. 

Coo vibes and chill music filled the ambiance of the room. (Some typical on feeling) I was totally content with night. She was there... I tried my best to keep my overall composure but it was just these feeling and emotions pouring inside of me. Every single shared memory together is sparks in my head. The first time we held hands. Chilled together. Sharing our first kiss. The countless music festivals we've been to with our closest friends... The list goes on but I also remember the "not-so-good memories". I couldn't name them, simply because some of them are too sensitive to even think about.

That's where that barrier lies. 

Would it be love if she experiences the same "spark" as I did? 

That's me all the time.

Only when Loyalty is found is when you can build a solid foundation.

Life itself is a crazy roller coaster and coming to college, I never thought it would have been this crazy of a ride. From stressing over school, emotions, family and just everything... I'll continue this later.

October 19th, 2013 7:03pm

Before submitting a journal entry, I always reevaluate my life on how it's going. I hope there is a bright and new beginning to the memoirs of all this sadness.

It doesn't make sense to me as to why I still continue to write but it feels good; it's like someone is listening to me. To be straight up, I've been single for more than three years. I've found someone I could potentially start a beautiful relationship with but there are complications. She isn't ready. I'd love to believe were on the same page but I'd be feeding myself lies... I've done that before and look where I turned out. I'm done.

G'night

I have to keep this one short because I have school tomorrow. I should actually be sleeping right now but it is just one of those nights... One of those nights when you cannot fall asleep because your inquisitive mind keeps racing.

To be completely blunt, I feel so dependent. I don't know how else to explain it.


I miss that unique connection two people have when they're in love with one another.

Stronger Than the Average Bear

Never thought I'd be back on this writing to myself however, this time it's different... This has nothing to do with my past love but my current "fling". Choosing the word "fling"is to simply to describe the insecurity and safety of my well-being in this thing.

I've learned a lot about myself discovering that I was a substantial young adult capable of maintaining my own well-being when it came to daily life struggles as well as conquering inner feelings. Yet, when one came along, it seemed as though She slowly stripped that progressively-earned privilege of me being totally maintained. But I knew what this could have led to if the cards I played weren't right. Could it have been me being a dreamer again? Building relations with this One knowing the future complications, was one that could either make or break me because my vulnerability was now exposed. 

The quotes," Too good to be true" and.. fuck I forgot the other one comes to mind. 

Looking back at everything....

I guess I was the dreamer and She was the realist.

Would you believe me if I said I'm in love?

Welcome 2013. I am honestly ready for the best of you. After the year 2012, I have found that I was struggling to find mere happiness and I guess my methods of finding this "happiness" just didn't work... I'm living the first couple days of the new era and yet I still consider my biggest lost my greatest regret. This is by far the worse possible feeling. Let's put it this way; being in love with someone who could never love you.....

My love for you was so pure. So genuine and exclusive that everyday, I felt I was content with every possibly aspect of life, good or bad. My personal level of optimism was high and my thoughts were clear and conscious. I honestly had never felt so alive and so blinded before.

It was clear at one point in time where our relationship was going. We were so ambitious of our future together and it seemed it were only a matter of time when you'd forever be mine. I could even recall a time when we claimed that there was always a reason why "we fought like a married couple". I leaned on this fantasy we had in hopes that, that dream would shift into a reality.

We live separate lives now and were so far from where we used to be. That's what you told me and now expectations of us is only a mere glimmer of hope that haunts my reality everyday. 

So please 2013, I dont want feel the way I do now. I am only asking for progression of my own well being. I accept the things I cannot change and I accept what has been done already. I just want progression.  

But does love and science clash? Weighing out options, seeing right from wrong, or what's better and what's worse. Doesn't love conquer all, therefore defeats all other factors that seem to provoke the battle    between love and science?

Expect the inevitable, by Murphy's Law be ready.

Dear God,

Please give me the strength and will to continue. I'm suffering right now and I need your blessings. I'm sorry that I am a person with many flaws but I'm honestly trying. This past year was the most difficult thing my heart had to bear. The feeling of regret still haunts me 'til this day. Is there a bright side to this God? If there is I'm trying to be patient yet I pray for the one thing I desire most. They say you have a plan for each and everyone of us and I do believe that. But please father forgive me for my sins and recall on my prayers before... I still believe that there's hope. Help me God please. I just don't know what to do anymore and I feel that hope I still have is slowly dying. I don't want it to. She really was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life.

Hear Me Out Please.

This atmosphere is so different. I look around me, and I see tall buildings and sky scrappers. To the people that have lived here, it's so normal but to me, it's an undergoing change. I am a current resident in San Jose, attending San Jose State University. If you are following up with my blog, you can obviously see that I made a school decision (as if there really was someone on here reading my vent sessions).

Well, getting straight to the point, I'm not with Nikki anymore... I miss her to death. As of now we have no status except for saying that it's complicated. I mean COMPLICATED. I've never been in such a position. I really can't talk much right now because I have a mid-term to study for but God, if you're listening, I really need you. I need your help in guiding me. I know I haven't been keeping up with my night prayers and I'm sorry. I'm trying. I miss Nikk so much. I always look back on what we had and I just miss it. I know that no one can ever replace what we had. I've never had anything more genuine than her. Until this day, I think about her. Every. Single. Day. I'm calling out to you Lord to help me through this dilemma because I honestly don't know what right, right now. I lost something that was so beautiful and dear to me and I need it back. I've never felt and been so selfish in my life! Please Lord, I'm asking you to help me through this. Hopefully one day I'll wake up and realize what is best for me. I need you God I always need you, it's just now, this affecting me and it's breaking my heart.

Nobody Said it was Easy.

Probably the hardest part of my life by far. Picking a college thats right for me. My main concern is Nikki. ugh, honestly I don't know what to do. I have to pick one within the next 2 weeks. I love her to death and I see us going hella far. I want to be able to say," She's my 'High school Sweetheart'." I know deep down we could make us work. I learned from the mistakes I made and I could honestly say to myself that I'm changed and new person.

God I don't know what to do. I always go to Him for the answers I search for and that I could never find. I love you Nikki so much. I can't let you go. We shared too many memories together. It's you that I want and that will never change. I love you Nikki B.

People Are Blind from Perfection

Honestly, I'm too proud to go to anyone else about this. In their eyes, were too perfect. But inside were like any other.

06/04/10

This is probably the best place to write right now. I dont think anyone goes on my blogspot anymore.

I know what I did and I know what I did was wrong and I hate myself for it. I ruined something so beautiful from a stupid mistake. Saying sorry wont do anything anymore. From all thats been happening lately, with life,

I dont feel I should be walking Earth any longer...

Im questioning God asking him,"What is the purpose? Why is life this way?"

I need an answer

Im a slacker. I slack

Mr. Musters room for the period. tumblrs block so I guess Ill just have to use BS.

One more week 'til schools out. Finally... These final weeks are going by hella slow though. I still got hella work to make up for APUSH. Hella shouldnt have slacked this year. The rest of my classes are alright except for Algebreeh II. Gonna have to make up some quizzes. When Summer starts, Im back to school. Taking a Pre Rec. class for Fire Fighting. I probably might do World history too just cuss I had a C for a semester grade. FUN.

tumblr > Blogspot

Blogspot works on Sponslers computer.... But tumblr does >:(